The good thing about falling apart at the seams...

is that you can get sewn back up by sweet friends.

Here are some recent blessings:

1) Abby babysat Ben, again, on Tuesday so that I could work without stressing about childcare.

2) Alison Tarka took Ben to playgroup and watched him so that I could take a 2o minute shower in peace! And write emails, and work, and just breathe.  I love that kid but we had been battling, literally, since 11:00am on Wed morning.

3) The Beltzner's came by and visited and Chris wrestled with Ben and Andrea held Sam.  I just sat. They brought a delicious dinner of sausage, grilled peppers and pasta and the most amazing soft italian bread.  

4) Jenn Sadlier came over and shared some of it with me (thank God she was here or I would have plowed right through that loaf of bread!), drove with me to DQ for hot fudge sundae's and then did my dishes.

5) My sweet husband sent me a beautiful, colorful bouquet that was delivered to my doorstep! The first time in our relationship that I received delivered flowers-- and I know it shouldn't mean much with the state of the economy and such, but it did! It did! It meant the world to me!

6) 2 different wonderful friends invited the boys and I to their special Halloween parties.  I can't attend either, but loved that they thought to include us.

7) Barbara Gillette dropped off a bag with the cutest little pumpkin, delicious tomato soup and crackers when I was sick.

8) My mom and grandma really cared for me and the kiddos allowing me to take care of myself this last weekend by babysitting and keeping me company (and doing laundry).

9) Lovely Abby soothed my parenting fears and guilt and spoke truth to me and gave me good advice and let me know that everything is okay.  Big picture parenting, right?

10) And just to make it to number 10, I love Ben hugs.  The sweetest, chubby arms thrown around me with cheek rubbing, sweet smiling love.  He usually says "Mommy" in the most precious voice while he is hugging me, like it is his favorite word. He still gives them to me even after a million time outs.  I know he should get the time outs no matter what, but I'm still always grateful for the hugs.

So, even though it has been rocky, and my jaw is clenched and my teeth feel weird and my emotions are getting shot all over like a ping pong machine, I can rest here on Thursday night and let myself be washed over with care and gratitude for it. Thank you, friends, for making this life not only bearable, but sweet. 

Cold Comforts? Not this time.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it

I'm crawling on your shore.

Indigo Girls

Sometimes there is no point in writing out what you are feeling, as someone else has coined it perfectly. Lyrics in particular can just squeeze the truth right out of my heart. It is easy for me right now to give in to old patterns of thinking...I'm tired, I'm sick, I miss my husband, I'm on weird meds that make me blurry, I feel like a failure in many ways. I also feel like I'm surrounded by the devastation of sin wreaking havoc on multiple peoples lives-- no, I don't just feel that way, it is true.

Not to be dramatic, but my heart is so grieved right now.  

I have several choices to make about responding to this precipice of a black hole I sometimes let myself fall into.  I could get obsessive, and down, and go into spiritual and emotional retreat.  This is an option for me, and an easy one.  I could stay at home and run through things in my head, and not really be up front with my friends about how I'm processing through life.  I can take my insecurities and fears and, like old friends, engage them in full discussion with no resolution.

Or...I could post on my blog that I'm going to refuse that path and hold to the accountability that action will require.  And I'm doing it right now.  I'm going to choose to believe that God is sovereign and that He has an ultimate plan of love and justice.  I am going to take captive my deceitful thoughts and wicked heart, and recognize that while I'm not in control, there is a beautiful Savior who is.  I am going to believe that while I cannot make sense of choices and pain, there is One who is working everything according to His ultimate purpose.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more DEATH or MOURNING or CRYING or PAIN, FOR THE OLD ORDER OF THINGS HAS PASSED AWAY.  He who was seated on the throne said "I AM MAKING EVERYTHING NEW!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:1-5