Cold Comforts? Not this time.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it

I'm crawling on your shore.

Indigo Girls

Sometimes there is no point in writing out what you are feeling, as someone else has coined it perfectly. Lyrics in particular can just squeeze the truth right out of my heart. It is easy for me right now to give in to old patterns of thinking...I'm tired, I'm sick, I miss my husband, I'm on weird meds that make me blurry, I feel like a failure in many ways. I also feel like I'm surrounded by the devastation of sin wreaking havoc on multiple peoples lives-- no, I don't just feel that way, it is true.

Not to be dramatic, but my heart is so grieved right now.  

I have several choices to make about responding to this precipice of a black hole I sometimes let myself fall into.  I could get obsessive, and down, and go into spiritual and emotional retreat.  This is an option for me, and an easy one.  I could stay at home and run through things in my head, and not really be up front with my friends about how I'm processing through life.  I can take my insecurities and fears and, like old friends, engage them in full discussion with no resolution.

Or...I could post on my blog that I'm going to refuse that path and hold to the accountability that action will require.  And I'm doing it right now.  I'm going to choose to believe that God is sovereign and that He has an ultimate plan of love and justice.  I am going to take captive my deceitful thoughts and wicked heart, and recognize that while I'm not in control, there is a beautiful Savior who is.  I am going to believe that while I cannot make sense of choices and pain, there is One who is working everything according to His ultimate purpose.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more DEATH or MOURNING or CRYING or PAIN, FOR THE OLD ORDER OF THINGS HAS PASSED AWAY.  He who was seated on the throne said "I AM MAKING EVERYTHING NEW!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:1-5