The good thing about falling apart at the seams...

is that you can get sewn back up by sweet friends.

Here are some recent blessings:

1) Abby babysat Ben, again, on Tuesday so that I could work without stressing about childcare.

2) Alison Tarka took Ben to playgroup and watched him so that I could take a 2o minute shower in peace! And write emails, and work, and just breathe.  I love that kid but we had been battling, literally, since 11:00am on Wed morning.

3) The Beltzner's came by and visited and Chris wrestled with Ben and Andrea held Sam.  I just sat. They brought a delicious dinner of sausage, grilled peppers and pasta and the most amazing soft italian bread.  

4) Jenn Sadlier came over and shared some of it with me (thank God she was here or I would have plowed right through that loaf of bread!), drove with me to DQ for hot fudge sundae's and then did my dishes.

5) My sweet husband sent me a beautiful, colorful bouquet that was delivered to my doorstep! The first time in our relationship that I received delivered flowers-- and I know it shouldn't mean much with the state of the economy and such, but it did! It did! It meant the world to me!

6) 2 different wonderful friends invited the boys and I to their special Halloween parties.  I can't attend either, but loved that they thought to include us.

7) Barbara Gillette dropped off a bag with the cutest little pumpkin, delicious tomato soup and crackers when I was sick.

8) My mom and grandma really cared for me and the kiddos allowing me to take care of myself this last weekend by babysitting and keeping me company (and doing laundry).

9) Lovely Abby soothed my parenting fears and guilt and spoke truth to me and gave me good advice and let me know that everything is okay.  Big picture parenting, right?

10) And just to make it to number 10, I love Ben hugs.  The sweetest, chubby arms thrown around me with cheek rubbing, sweet smiling love.  He usually says "Mommy" in the most precious voice while he is hugging me, like it is his favorite word. He still gives them to me even after a million time outs.  I know he should get the time outs no matter what, but I'm still always grateful for the hugs.

So, even though it has been rocky, and my jaw is clenched and my teeth feel weird and my emotions are getting shot all over like a ping pong machine, I can rest here on Thursday night and let myself be washed over with care and gratitude for it. Thank you, friends, for making this life not only bearable, but sweet. 

Cold Comforts? Not this time.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it

I'm crawling on your shore.

Indigo Girls

Sometimes there is no point in writing out what you are feeling, as someone else has coined it perfectly. Lyrics in particular can just squeeze the truth right out of my heart. It is easy for me right now to give in to old patterns of thinking...I'm tired, I'm sick, I miss my husband, I'm on weird meds that make me blurry, I feel like a failure in many ways. I also feel like I'm surrounded by the devastation of sin wreaking havoc on multiple peoples lives-- no, I don't just feel that way, it is true.

Not to be dramatic, but my heart is so grieved right now.  

I have several choices to make about responding to this precipice of a black hole I sometimes let myself fall into.  I could get obsessive, and down, and go into spiritual and emotional retreat.  This is an option for me, and an easy one.  I could stay at home and run through things in my head, and not really be up front with my friends about how I'm processing through life.  I can take my insecurities and fears and, like old friends, engage them in full discussion with no resolution.

Or...I could post on my blog that I'm going to refuse that path and hold to the accountability that action will require.  And I'm doing it right now.  I'm going to choose to believe that God is sovereign and that He has an ultimate plan of love and justice.  I am going to take captive my deceitful thoughts and wicked heart, and recognize that while I'm not in control, there is a beautiful Savior who is.  I am going to believe that while I cannot make sense of choices and pain, there is One who is working everything according to His ultimate purpose.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more DEATH or MOURNING or CRYING or PAIN, FOR THE OLD ORDER OF THINGS HAS PASSED AWAY.  He who was seated on the throne said "I AM MAKING EVERYTHING NEW!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:1-5

Non-political statement

Regardless of how anyone feels about the Bush family or their politics, I am so glad that they were able to enjoy the love and joy a wedding brings.  I think it is a beautiful thing that Jenna and her husband chose to honor their vows by having their wedding in front of family and close friends, and away from the paparazzi and craziness of a televised event, or a Style Network special on the cost of the affair. I appreciate that they resisted the urge to celebratize it.  I also respect Papa Bush for not trying in any way to use the wedding as a popularity or poll booster-- especially during a time when he could use that very help.

About the wedding itself: I love the simplicity of the location, the dress, the hair, the flowers...it is just so lovely.

When at my most self-absorbed, I think about all of the different options for a wedding and wish I could get married again (to Jerrad!) about once every 5 years. Our wedding was so much fun for us! We felt so much love and happiness, and it was a true community celebration.  Every time I think of it, I end up smiling at the memories and feeling joyful inside.

It would be so fun to do again! A beach party with a small ceremony? A destination wedding in a courtyard in Italy? A summer garden party at a winery? Maybe I just need to be a party planner.

I recently read in a very esteemed journalistic magazine (ha!) that Seal and Heidi Klum renew their vows and have a bash each year with the same guest list, and I remember thinking that it seemed so decadent.  And truly, why would the same people want to celebrate your choice over and over? It seems that there are so many more important things to invest in...deep things, that need to recognized and strived for, like justice, or ending world hunger.

Then I remember that marriage is a deep thing, and my vows to Jerrad center my existence, and that God does want to celebrate with me this gift of partnership and grace...a tangible model of His relationship with me.

And I also remember that not all deep, significant things involve suffering, pain and loss. I think there is a reason that Jesus' first miracle was turning the water into wine at a wedding; it was a statement of identity and purpose, a statement that said "I'm here to celebrate with you, as well as to heal and protect.  I'm here to be your friend in the most meaningful way-- a friend who will help you celebrate life's joys, victories and beautiful things."

Anyway, I feel so thankful that I am married to Jerrad, and that God enjoys our relationship with all of its small joys.  And I'm so glad we live in day and age that still honors and celebrates the romance, mystery and beauty of a man and a women who come together in a commitment to grace, to have and to hold.  For the Bush's, for us and for marriages celebrated the world over, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. Amen.

Enough time...

 Everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.

Brian Andreas/storypeople.com

Benjamin Chomsky...Le petit linguist

So, I recently had the uncanny experience of hearing myself in my 18 month old's voice... and let me just clarify, it was not so precious.

Could it have been any of the following: "I love you", "Thank God", "Thank you",  "Dear Jesus" or even "please"?

Of course not! It was a resounding, emphatic, I ain't messin' around "NO"!

I've had the sheer pleasure of listening to this all week long, and I have to keep reminding myself that, the good thing is, the kid has boundaries.

In the meantime, I'm aware of every "like" and "totally" I say, and the fact is, I could do a serious disservice to him if he grows talking like Spicoli.

I'm chalking this one up to another parental adjustment, considering that I now apparently need to monitor everything I say and choose my words and tone deliberately, lest they be repeated. 

The thing is, I'm not even worried about other people hearing it-- I just don't want to have to listen to myself repeated all day, every day for a week.  Yay.

Make new friends, but keep the old...

Every once in awhile you are blessed enough to meet a new friend who fills a void in your life you didn't even know you had.

I feel like this about Abby. I was totally happy and content with my life, but since I've met her, I don't know what I would do without her.

She has already cracked me up, listened to me cry, helped me clean my house, worked out with me, watched TLC in jammies, window-shopped and neighborhood dreamed, and helped me with my little buster. In just a few months time, I have fallen in love with her and her family.

Abby, I'm so glad you are here and you are you!

Blah grrrh.

So, Jerrad is off to New Jersey to open another store. I miss my husband!

I'm proud of him though, and know this is right for our family.

13 days and counting.